Being barren

When I found out that I would never be a mother it was a very sad experience. I had to deal with feelings of pain, shame and stress which was not easy at all. Feelings of jealousy towards mothers who became pregnant so easily had to be overcome. On top of that I had to bear the loneliness of a woman who never had experienced  the thrill and deepest happiness of bearing a child. The reminder of never being able to give birth was very hard to handle. But I had to deal with it and I can tell you that it has cost me a lot to win this battle. But because of the love of G’d my Father and with the promise of the text from Isaiah 54:1-8, it was possible to do so:

“Sing, barren woman who has never had a child!
Burst into song, shout for joy,
you who have never been in labor!
For the deserted wife will have more children
than the woman who is living with her husband, ”says Adonai.
Enlarge the space door of your tent,
extend the curtains of your dwelling;
do not hold back, lengthen your cords,
make your tent pegs firm.
For you will spread out to the right and the left,
your descendants will possess the nations
and inhabit the desolated cities.
Don’t be afraid, for you won’t be ashamed;
don’t be discouraged, for you won’t be disgraced.
You will forget the shame of your youth,
no longer remember the dishonour of being widowed.
For your husband is your Maker,
Adonai-Tzva’ot is his name.
The Holy One of Isra’el is your Redeemer.
He will be called the God of all the earth.
For Adonai  has called you back
like a wife abandoned and grief-stricken;
“A wife married in her youth
cannot be rejected,” says your God.
“Briefly I abandoned you,
but with great compassion I am taking you back.
I was angry for a moment and hid my face from you,
but with everlasting grace I will have compassion on you,”
says Adonai your  Redeemer.

– Complete Jewish Bible – by David Stern

When I read the article Elze Erwteman wrote about Motherhood for married and unmarried women I recognized that in my moments of distress I received a promise out of the above text out of Isaiah 54.

My husband and I are one of many couples who childless and for both of us it was very painful to deal with, each of us in our own way. My husband went bitter and blamed G’d, so I became a “widow” in my deepest feelings between him and myself because of his heartbreaking feelings. I was already a “widow” in my belief in the G’d of Israel because my husband does not believe in Adonai at all.  But I am looking to Adonai for help and caring in our distress. I cried and longed for Him because I know that He alone is the giver of life and not the doctors who tried to help us as good as possible.  His answer came quickly for He called me to be His child, with a very strong call. And He comforted me with exactly the same part of His Word from Isaiah 54:1-8 which Elze Erwteman had mentioned. I could hardly believe that it was meant for me personally on that special occasion, but it was too strong to ignore it.

He was true to His promise and He will keep His word in the future; Through the years I saw His hand in my life in this case. Children were always there in our lives. They went with us on our long and adventurous trips to Scandinavia. Sometimes we were able to help children in stressful situations in a case of divorce of their parents. We always opened our hearts and home for the children of our brothers and sisters. We had a lot of fun and joy with them and as a believer without my own spouse, I was given a lot of children in the church. From two of them who became a couple and got children themselves, I became a “grandmother”.  But for most of the promised “children” as stated in Isaiah 54:1-8, I am looking to the Lord for further fulfillment now and in the coming Kingdom of G’d. I pray that I, being a wife who was unable to bear children, will be a support to many lonely and desperate people to become children of God so that they, and I hope my husband with them, will inherit the Kingdom of G’d. That is my desire, and so will all my dreams and the promise of our Lord, bestowed on me in my distress, come through to the glory of His Name, our Maker and Man, the Lord of Hosts.